Just Got Out of the Hospital for Attempted Suicide ... Again
2017-08-17 17:31:05 by Fr34ksh0wW1ll0w
So , basically I overdosed on apx 35 Methelphenydate pills , and it brought me into the Hospital from April 25th - April 28th with it taking 16 hours for my heart to stabalize , and I could have easily died at any moment , the highest I remember my heart getting was 176 , and I remember being in and out of consciousness , I remember that my mother was by my side the entire time , and I am still unsure to this day how I survived exactly , and I have attempted suicide many times , I recently went into KGH for a mental evaluation , where it was believed I may have depression , I went in on the 9th of August at 09:07 am , and I left on August 15th around 10:30 am I believe. During my time there I mainly stayed in my room without being able to speak to the other people during the mornings , where-as around noon - 16:00 we would do group and stuff , from 16:00 - 20:00 was visiting hours. I met some pretty cool people in there , and the stay wasn't too bad. By the end of it all they believed I may have "Borderline Personality Disorder" , and I am still unsure of what it means. However I guess that how I acted in the Hospital , and what I told them show symptoms of it. Those symptoms being hallucinations , hearing voices , emmense depression , etc. So I guess that I am lucky to have a clue as to what I am dealing with , and hopefully I can overcome it. My family was absolutely devistated , and it was my sister who found my suicide note (although since I lived it's pretty well useless) and I guess she broke down in tears. Suicide can heavily affect you and your family , while some say to allow them to die if they are truly so hurt , and others to keep them alive at all costs , as one who deals with extreme depression episodes where I am so saddened to the point where I see suicide as my only escape , I stay in the middle. As I know that when I am fine I am usually happy , and living is okay (to a degree) , and when I'm depressed I just wish to die , though it doesn't always last too long , however I know that I will just keep feeling the sadness over and over , so maybe death would be mercy? I am still uncertain of my future , or if I even have one for long , but I guess that as long as I am still on the Earth , I will continue to do what I love , and that's making music , hanging out with my friends (etc). The only thing that sucks ass is that I'm still watched like a hawk 24/7. I also almost had to go back to the Hospital last night (so soon after being released) for a different reason , I laughed while accidently swallowing a mint and it got stuck in my nose , luckily though after 20 long minutes of forcing air out of my nostril harshly , it came flying out. Just thought I'd try to have some humour in there with it being all sad and shit. Anyway , I guess that's about it , and I hope that you can all understand where I am coming from. If you have feelings of suicide often , please chat with me , I feel that I may be able to help you out to a degree , and perhaps not make it so bad , although I also feel that I would just be making an ass of myself and making it worse. My family and friends think it was only around 10 pills because I didn't want to scare them , it is important to tell the truth though.